Originally, I created this tumblr with the notion of using it like an online diary. A place to anonymously talk about the things that affect me without having to then face the people who read them. However, it didn’t really turn out that way, which is fine. The fact that I knew it was there in case I ever did need to talk was enough for me. I then fell out of tumblr, as I was in a better state of mind and honestly, I was just busy.
But something happened on Monday that affected me more than I ever thought it would. To give background, I was driving the same car, my first car, for 6 years without an accident or a ticket (except that one time some lady’s car rolled into mine down a hill, but both our cars were off, so I don’t think that counts). Last August, it finally died, and I was forced to get a “new” car. I didn’t really like my second car at first; it handled stiff and heavy, and was loud beyond belief. But earlier this year, I was rear ended at a red light by some jackass that wasn’t paying attention (get this, not his car, car not insured, suspended license, and HAD JUST GOTTEN OUT OF JAIL THE DAY BEFORE) that cost me $1000 out of pocket because he fucked up my exhaust system. But that was it. My bumper wasn’t even cracked! “His” car? Totaled. But after all that, I loved my car as much as my old one, cause I realized it was a TANK. Yea it was slow and heavy, but if it could survive a collision of about 25-30 mph without a crack (exhaust only got fucked up because his car was lower than mine and slid under it), I was happy.
Monday, I was on my way to the vets to pick up some medicine for my cat. I stopped to wait for a car to pass so I could turn left into the vets office. I was stopped for a good 5-10 seconds, with my blinker on. I’d always been vigilant with my rear view mirror, but even more so after that first rear ending, so I checked my mirror as I stopped. Only car behind me was just coming over the hill about a quarter mile behind me. It was because he was so far behind me that I only checked my mirror again when I was about to turn left, at which point he was about 10 feet away, still going full speed (about 40 mph). I gunned it left, so he hit me at an angle instead of head on. I spun across the other lane 360 degrees and stopped with the big wooden sign for the vets pressed against my driver door. My trunk was completely crumpled and pushed into my back seat, rear windshield and back driver window shattered on impact, and I got to watch my driver side window shatter when I hit the sign. My seat was fully reclined, and my phone had been flung out of its dash carrier, as well as my sunglasses off my head (found my phone, never found my sunglasses). I was able to crawl out the passenger door, which thankfully still opened.
I hit my head and jaw on the plastic divider between the side windows (where the seat belt goes in), and I was informed yesterday that a vertebrae in my lower neck had been pushed out of place. Now, I have scoliosis, so my back and neck already hurt on a regular basis, and now I have a slipped vertebrae? Fantastic. Just fantastic. Today I discovered the seatbelt bruised my ribs, so breathing is fun.
The guy who hit me asked if I was ok, exchanged information with me (thank God this one had insurance!), and went back to his car that had managed to stop 50 yards up the road. No apology, no explanation, nothing. At the time, I was shaken and upset, so I didn’t have any room for anger. But now I do. How the fuck didn’t you see me? You had so much time! Even if you were on your goddamn phone, you had to have looked up at some point and noticed I was stopped! Did you drive for a full 10 seconds at 40 fucking mph without looking up once?! Why, in 6 years without incident, I get rear ended twice, and fucked over both times, in the span of 6 months? First one, had to pay for everything myself, second one, I lost my poor car and may have to add another permanent injury to my wonderful list of ailments. I have no idea how I’m even able to drive after that, but I am. I’m driving my mom’s car while she’s out of town. But my confidence is shot. Gone. I freak out everytime someone comes up behind me when I’m stopped or slowing down, even if it’s obvious they’re slowing down too. I’m paranoid that I’m going to get into another situation that I can’t get out of. How do you stop yourself from getting rear ended??
I can’t stop replaying it in my head. It won’t stop. I get the pleasure of reliving it over and over. I was told that if he’d hit me head on instead of at an angle, I would be a lot worse off. That itself scares me. I came that close to hospitalization? Could I have died? Everyone who sees my car tells me I’m lucky. I am lucky. I know it could have been way worse. I walked away, took myself to the hospital (with a friend). And I know it’s only been 2 days, but this constant replaying plus my physical limitations plus the knowledge that I should have been taken away in an ambulance is haunting me. And I just want it to stop.
Fresh from their ‘The Boy in the Iceberg’ showing at the Imperial Gazebo
Theater… the critically acclaimed Ember Island Players are coming to a
village near you! Tickets available wherever fine cabbage is sold.
